I don't know that I am 100% ready to pursue it vs. having bio kids (for our first go-round, at least) but it has definitely helped give me perspective! We only had the choice of adoption since we couldn't have biological children. We have four kiddos, all adopted through foster care. I would love nothing more than to adopt an infant for us to raise, but it's extraordinarily expensive. Depending on your state, they may actually give you a stipend until the child is 18, college costs depending on the child's age when adopted, etc. A child who has been abandoned or removed from the care of both birth parents can gain much from being adopted into a loving family. I'm not saying it's easy, but there is a certain satisfaction from being part of a child's story and helping them get to where they ought to be. It didn't come without risk though. First, the legal rights of the parents. They want to be your pack-mate—your hunting companion. i really don't know how i think about non-white children though. He's 15 months old and we got him straight from the hospital at 8 days old. If you adopt a child from the welfare system, the child will most likely be over the age of three. 2. You never know when you’ll need it in the future. So you will always run the risk of bonding with a child that will have to "go back." More women than ever in the U.S. are making the choice to remain childfree—or not making the choice to have children, depending on how you want to look at it. Adoption establishes a legal parent and child relationship when the adopting parent is not a child's biological or birth parent. He was 18 months when the adoption was finalized, because of that. I think a lot of people think that they just pay the insane fees and voila, a child appears. It's my preference and 1st choice. I know lots of people want babies, but there are tons of kids who have nothing "wrong" with them other than the fact that they've gotten "too old" or they're no longer "cute." If my future kids don't turn out better than I have, I will have failed utterly as a parent. A lot of people comment on the expense involved - But even with a child that personally give birth to, there are no guarantees. If I ever end up wanting kids, I don't want to deal with the pregnant girlfriend/wife or the infant years. {image1-25-1422175973-pnp4.jpg www.boldsky.com} Age selection. And that does happen, especially the older a child is and the more they need to be adopted. I'd like to pass on my genes and what not. I think the emotional expense took more of a toll on us than the financial one did. I now know however that kids may add to your life but they don’t fix it. This is true in nearly every single adoption. Babies are in super high demand, and that can lead to birthparent coercion and all kinds of unethical things. Wow, what a story! There area surprising number of infants available, especially if you don't have a need to "match." Something about seeing a newborn that looks like one's self is also supposed to be a very strong bonding experience for men and their biological children. NOTE 1: Finding the Text of Your State's Mandated Reporting Law - Most states have their full legal codes on the Internet in searchable form. Adoption and Guardianship in Wisconsin. Not to mention, there's the prospect of cleaning up smelly messes as your little angel regards you with large, innocent eyes. Out of curiosity, were you able to fund raise or otherwise do anything that helped to offset the cost of adopting your daughter? Adoptive parents have the same rights and obligations as a child's birth parents. As far as expenses were concerned - there we none other than our time. 7. Not being able to have bio kids would be a deal breaker for me. We paid ZERO out of pocket, and even qualified for a $13K tax credit from the IRS for adopting through the state. Also, with any foster child, you have to understand that the goal of the system is to reunite children with their bio parents. He has a lovely birth family that we keep in touch with, but none of them were in a position to take him and Mom isn't well. Probably because it's hard wired into your DNA to pass on your own genes. Thank you so much for your insights. It's a commitment that includes at least a few months of sleepless nights while your new bundle of joy adjusts to life. How would adopting kids be any different though? It sounds like you are looking at the financial expense, but not the emotional one. I can't stand the cucks in r/relationships who decide to raise some other guy's broodrats. Click Adopt. Stepparent adoption is a form of “relative adoption,” which is adoption of a child by somebody who is related to the child by blood or marriage. Initial, being the keyword. I have always been very drawn to the idea of adoption. It is interesting to me that you will continue to receive a stipend from the state after finalizing the adoption. Look into it some more and talk to women who aren't total wusses. (NO offense to anyone who does things differently; that's just how we felt.) I've been around births around two different women and neither of them screamed once. (It's probably the same with bio kids, right?). The heartbreak of spending a week with an infant at the hospital, only for the birth mom to change her mind. They want to chase down something in the woods and rip its still-beating heart out, together. I have been leaning towards foster to adopt over private adoption more in the last few months, and having these types of conversations is solidifying that more and more for me. I have 3 boys (All Bio) and 1 daughter (adopted). In the end, he'd be like any other kid except I chose him in particular to support. I probably will still have bad days when it comes to the topic of having kids and I’m sure there will be times that I won’t be able to help but feel horrible about the fact I don’t have them. I'm not gonna raise someone else's kid. We also receive a stipend from the state that we will receive until he turns 18. Don't try to foster/adopt a teen. Not so, however, if a child was adopted. Nothing in life worth having comes easy all the time (think marriage). Foster care adoption is inexpensive in comparison. We are licensed as a foster-to adopt home for several years, but we just wait and wait. That does seem like the most logical decision. Depends on the situation. I understand we could possibly be setting ourselves up for disappointment, but fostering and adopting is something I've grown quite passionate about. Generally, adoption requires the consent of both parents, provided they meet certain requirements.To gain parental rights, including the right to object to adoption, biological fathers unmarried to the mother must not only establish paternity, but also demonstrate a commitment to … We did lose him, for about 3 weeks to a family member. Misconception: “An adopted child won’t be loved as much as a biological child.” This is a relatively common concern that some adoptive families and birth parents share before entering into an adoption. I feel like with all the craziness in the world today that I would rather give a child that already exists a home rather than creating a brand new person. (Interracial adoption brings its own set of positives and negatives, but that's another topic.). We adopted a bio brother-sister pair. If it happened, great, but Hubby and I both wanted to adopt, and we wanted to adopt FIRST even if we had bio kids. Another reason why adoption is considered as a better option than giving birth is the choice to have age selection. Parenting an Adopted Child: A Complete Guide - Articles When — and How — To Tell Your Child They are Adopted Breastfeeding an Adopted Baby Talking to Your Child About Their Birth Family Adopting When You Have a Birth Child — and Vice Versa 3 Differences in Having an Adopted Child vs. Definitely biological. The emotional expense is definitely something I had considered, but I really appreciate you taking the time to respond with your thoughts. I'd say the most important thing (as with anything) is don't fall for the "Disney Syndrome" of thinking it will be happily ever after. Even so, it took 18 months for all of the paperwork and court proceedings to go on for the adoption to be finalized. Just don't be an asshole about it. Go to the Devices tab and find the device that is pending adoption. Keep a copy of your child’s original birth certificate. No give backs. Giving birth to a child is supposed to set up a bond from early on, whereas when you adopt a child as a child or a non-newborn infant, bonding takes time and is a much less sure thing. The key, if you're looking for straight adoption of an infant is going with your gut about the birth family. I want to see some of myself and SO and even my parents/grandparents in the kid. Why do you lean one way or the other? there are a lot of problems that are passed down to kids from their parents, and a lot of children are given up for adoption because of circumstances that were heavily influenced by these problems (addiction, psychological problems are (at least partly) heritably). So you will always run the risk of bonding with a child that will have to "go back.". There will be a lot of good days and a lot of bad days. I really appreciate your taking the time to respond to me, and your input. Social workers will usually advise keeping birth order. I have physical issues and chronic pains I could hand down to them, so I would have to risk that. With foster-to-adopt you can set the level of risk you are willing to accept in terms of reunification with family. You can ask for a removal on a defined time frame from right now to maybe a month so they can figure it out. They described the birth sensation as 'kinda like shitting your pants uncontrollably for a few hours'. Are there several older siblings who were adopted out to non-family members? I don't get the "mini versions" thing though. Having a child is a decision you need to own on every level because it is an enormous commitment. For the last 14 months, I have been the ONLY "father figure" this child has EVER known, and we - as a family - are planning on having me adopt her as soon as possible. To me, it explained the brokenhearted parents' of an infant or even a miscarriage. if it is a good family, then undoubtedly yes. Although I wouldn't date a woman with kids. That was a goddamn nightmare. Thanks for the feedback. It just feels right, especially when they take on personality traits you couldn't have possibly taught them, just by your genes expressing themselves. I am not sure what to do. Any fears of the adoptive family not loving a childsimply because he or she doesn’t have their genes are immediately eliminated as soon as the adoptive parents first lay eyes on their baby. If I was making this decision, I'd have a biological child first, put that money toward the mortgage or college or something else smart, and then look into fostering once I had the baby years under my belt. But my SO says that he wants biological children so that he can raise "mini versions of us." Do you mind if I ask what state you are in? But, unfortunately, that gift can be easily tarnished if the adoption is entered into for the wrong reasons. The thought of one's lover's breasts swelling and starting to lactate is supposed to be very appealing to a fair number of us, maybe even most of us, and, I have to admit, while I'm not exactly sure how I'd feel about it actually happening to a woman I loved, well, the idea is something that I'm curious about. It's fucking expensive though. related to the adoption. The younger the child, the less likely they will already be eligible for adoption by the time you begin fostering them. it just feels weird. His biological parents had 14 days from the day they surrendered him to ask for him back. This is where my fear of adopting such a young child from foster care stems from. So, there is no saying that adopting a child would have the same initial love you had for your child. The thing about privately adopting an infant is that there are already many, many homes waiting for babies, and not enough babies to fill them. You're definitely not preventing that baby from being raised in foster care or something, you know? We were very fortunate, in that regard, that son was a Safe Surrender child. There's so much more than that. I feel like there's enough people, and I don't feel like we need to make more. Assuming, by the time I start having kids (either way I choose to go), that my insurance hasn't changed much then I don't think this is a big concern. on the other hand, i wouldn't really have a problem raising children from my own family or children that have gone up for adoption for other reasons. If you live in or near a large city, the sad fact is that there are going to be plenty of cases where the parents already have kids in the system and are going to be offered few or no services to re-unify, or have a track record of not attempting to. Follow-up: as someone with experience fostering to adopt, do you have any opinions/insights on going through a private agency vs. the state? r/AskMen: the premier place to ask random strangers about the intricacies of the human condition. Starting a family is a big deal -- and it's a lot more expensive than you think. I come from a big family and I'd need a woman who wants the same. So, you ended up adopting two around the same time? It was no trivial amount of money by any means. 2. Like you, I was never stuck on having a baby grow in my tummy. They had just turned 5 & 7 when they came to us. It turned out I have Lupus, so adopting was better for us anyway. So, if you are going to have a bio child, try to adopt an infant next. But if you don't want to or cannot, then adoption involves the legal rights of two other parties at a minimum. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. A Safe Surrender baby definitely seems like the "safest" bet, but those babies do not come up very often and the wait list is very long (for the very reason that they are the safest bet). I wouldn't advise borrowing money to adopt, but if it's something you can save up some money for to handle the necessary expenses, I don't think it would be financially foolish to do so. November is National Adoption Month, so it's a good time to explore if it's cheaper to adopt a baby or, well, give birth to one. Perhaps the best thing I can do without, in a sense, compromising my morals (or what my conscience is leading me to do) would be to attempt to adopt a very young child out of the foster care system, and just accept the risks that come with it. If you want to change your child’s last name, this would be the point to do so. There are also cases where the medical treatment cost a lot of money and adopting a child will be a cheaper option. Most people would want biological children. 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